What a journey...

A new pregnancy means moving on - knowing my body didn't lose it's ability to hold life...and I really longed for this. So, I thought. Yesterday was the day of my first ultrasound with this new little bambino. I prayed that when it was time to turn my head at that ultrasound screen and face reality, that everything would be okay. Well indeed it was - "it couldn't look more perfect" were the words that fell from Henriette's mouth (my ultrasound tech). Baby was measuring 7 weeks 1 day which brings me to the EXACT due date I had with Josie (sigh). I layed there speechless as she told me my due date....July 28, 2009. And because of this...

There has been alot of latent grief for Josie resurfacing. Yes, there are also hormones and other issues going on as you have just read above....but at times (and I hadn't done this in many months) I just look at her pretty pictures and cry.

I think about her moving - the delight and joy that I felt when her little heels would press against my ribs, and the way she'd "shove" my hand out of the way if I was pressing her space too firmly. I wonder who she might have been had she opened her eyes, and I had felt her little fingers grip mine.

Part of my anxiety is that because of all of the above, I won't really enjoy this pregnancy. I don't want to be hampered by what was that I cannot anticipate what will be.

What a journey...sometimes I wonder - really wonder - if I am equipped to deal with this.

And then I come back to who does the equipping. I know a higher hand had planned this for us even as the last 16 months were within His complete control. This pregnancy - learning to trust Him- again - with the life he has created in me....this was part of His plan even when we lost Josie. It's taking more time to remember this time - but it's still true enough to stake my soul on, I want to give Him all the glory....and I know He'll answer that prayer.

Thank you for your support & love - blessings to all of you!

Love,
Kim